I found this list while surfing and it cracked me up. :)
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do notwalk ahead of me,for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with abroken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're goingto steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just likeeveryone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, trymissing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk amile in their shoes.That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile awayand you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not foryou.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teachhim how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that personagain, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to rememberanything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're thewindshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to foldit in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light sideand a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women.Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much whenyour lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleepingpill and a laxative on the same night.